Life. Love. Loss. 


One minute I was pregnant and then in another I wasn’t. On June 8th 2017 I miscarried at 9 weeks. My husband and I were not planning on our 4th child so soon after our last, however after about a month of getting use to the idea, we began to do so. We were planning when we were going to tell our families and announce to our friends. We were planning how we we were going to adjust our home and even our finances. 

Two days prior to my miscarriage I had an annoying feeling in my stomach. Both my husband and I woke up around 2 am on Wednesday morning in the bathroom feeling sick. Initially we thought it was from pizza we had ordered the previous night, however the kids were not sick. That same day I started spotting which I had never did when pregnant with any of my other children, yet I knew it wasn’t uncommon. 

Thursday morning I felt the same and was still spotting when I woke up and yet went into work. Around 12:40 I needed to go to the bathroom and that’s when it everything began. I passed what look like a large blood clot and what looked like a mucus plug afterward. Immediately fear started setting in and I knew something was very wrong. 

I quickly grabbed my stuff and went to my car and as calmly as I could called my doctor’s office in which they had me come right away. It literally took me 10 min. to arrive getting their at 1pm. I didn’t want to call my husband until I knew if my fears were confirmed or not, yet at the same time I needed him to know and I needed him to pray. I sent him a text because I didn’t want to cry, but he immediately called me and we talked as I waited to be seen. 
As soon as I was called I was asked to pee in a cup for testing. It was then that I passed which looked like another large blood clot and that is when I really knew that was it. That was my baby. The doctor told me the test came back that I was pregnant, however with all that had happen it didn’t sound like it was a healthy pregnancy.  After that, I had to get a sonogram to find out for sure. 

As I lay there on the table, I prayed that somehow after everything, miraculously my baby was still there. After several minutes of clicking and hearing no heartbeat, I was told that the baby was no longer there and that I most likely passed out everything that needed to come out when I went to the bathroom. I still tried to remain calm even after the doctor told me that there is always a 20% chance of miscarrying, yet I had been fortunate to have three children up to that point. 

Before leaving I had to have my blood work done and return after a week to make sure my hormone levels and everything went back to normal. As soon as I got to the car I let it all out and cried. Blaming myself of course and feeling like I was responsible for this happining. I called my husband in the midst and told him we had lost the baby, which was the hardest thing I had to do in life. 

I can say that I never thought this would happen to me and honestly this still feels surreal. I never got to hear my baby’s heartbeat nor did I see him/her moving around on a screen. Somehow I think the loss is easier to deal with just because of that. Today, June 19th would have been our first sonogram scheduled for 2:30pm and I am reflecting on what could have been. 
I chose to write this because I have always found comfort in writing. I chose to share this because you never know who may find their own comfort in knowing they are not alone.  I will never forget “Baby Fountain #4” and I will always be greatful that God chose me to be a carrier of one of his most precious gifts. 

One thing that I know to be true is that God is still a good God and we know He will grant us the desires of our heart.  The other thing I know to also be true is “…that all things work together for good to them that are the called according to His purpose.” Rom. 8:28. When it’s time, we will have another child. As for now, we are all doing fine and take each day with an extra little bit of love and an extra little bit of care.



The picture above was taken 1week prior to our miscarriage. 

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